There is a rumor going around that because I am a bear, I am contractually obligated to enjoy “Nature.” People see fur and claws and assume I want to frolic in a meadow. They are wrong. I do not want to frolic. I want to lie on a memory foam mattress in a temperature-controlled room with high-speed internet.

However, my marketing team (Tom) suggested that “reconnecting with my roots” would be “good content.” So, against my better judgment, I went Outside. Here is my honest review.

The Graphics Were Good, The Gameplay Was Terrible

I will admit, the resolution is high. The trees look very realistic. The lighting engine (The Sun) is incredibly bright—too bright, actually. There is no way to adjust the brightness settings. But the gameplay mechanics? Atrocious. To get anywhere, you have to physically move your legs. There is no “Fast Travel” option. There are no loading screens where you can check your phone. You just walk. And then you walk some more. And the ground! It is uneven. It is full of rocks, roots, and dirt. Who designed this level? It is a tripping hazard. I prefer the flat, predictable surface of a hallway rug.

The NPCs (Bugs) Are Rude

In my house, if a fly enters, it is a crisis. In “The Outdoors,” they are everywhere. They do not respect personal space. They buzz in your ear. They land on your nose. I tried to swipe them away, but they respawn instantly. I also encountered a squirrel. He looked at me, judged me, and ran away. I have never felt so disrespected by a lower-level mob.

The Lack of Amenities

This is the biggest issue. “The Outdoors” has zero infrastructure.

• Wi-Fi: Non-existent. I had one bar of 3G, which is basically the Stone Age.
• Seating: The only place to sit is a rock or a log. Neither offer lumbar support.
• Climate Control: It was hot. Then it was breezy. Then it was humid. There is no thermostat. You are at the mercy of the elements, and the elements are moody.
• The Fridge: There isn’t one. If you want food, you have to carry it with you. Do you know how heavy snacks are?

The “View” Scam

We hiked for forty-five minutes. I was sweating (which is very uncomfortable under fur). I was panting. My legs were burning. Tom said, “Wait until you see the view!” We got to the top of the hill. I looked. It was… more trees. We walked past trees to look at other trees from a higher angle. I was underwhelmed. I can see trees on Google Earth without leaving my chair.

The Verdict

Rating: ⭐ (1/5 Stars)

“The Outdoors” is overrated. It is dirty, exhausting, and lacks basic amenities like a mute button or a snack pantry. I have returned to “The Indoors.” The lighting is adjustable, the floor is level, and the pizza delivery guy knows how to find me. If you need me, I will be in my blanket fort. Do not ask me to hike again.